Ah shit. I’m feeling pretty crap today. I had written two whole paragraphs and just accidentally deleted it all. Fuck fuck fuck. I know this is a small thing but I’m finding it so hard to write today. Those paragraphs were a real effort. Today can just fuck the fuck off. I tried this Beating the Blues thing. An NHS online programme you have to be referred for. I’ve been trying to get on it for about two weeks and this thing that’s meant to be helping me has caused me a lot of stress. My laptop will just not run it. I tried downloading new flash players and everything. That’s as far as my computer skills go so I rang up the number. This is a challenge in itself I get really panicky talking on the phone. My hands get hot, not sweaty but warm and my heart starts going. Every time I have to make a grown up phone call. So I made the effort and they were really nice and helpful and sent me an email telling me how to fix it and it was just re-downloading the flash player again! It didn’t work still! I’ve managed to get it working on my Dad’s ancient laptop so I don’t know why I’m complaining.
I liked it. I’m hoping it’ll help me get enjoyment out of things. That’s the task for this week. I think I’m missing out on that. By avoiding things because I think I won’t enjoy them when I might not find them that bad. At the same time, I couldn’t even consider going to the cinema or anything today. It was my day off, but I went to do some paperwork. The reason I have so many jobs is because I always feel like this on days off. I don’t know what it is. I get lethargic and just don’t want to do anything. I can’t do anything. I’ve had a nap, I might have needed that as I don’t sleep well. I just feel like I’ve wasted a day. I should be going out making the most of my days off, but I don’t have the money to. Also when your day off is a Wednesday most people tend to be busy. So I went and earned some money instead. It’s productive. I can save it.
It is really hard to write today. I don’t know what to say. I’m out of ideas already and I’ve only been doing this four days. I can’t believe the change from yesterday, I couldn’t stop writing. Today this is taking me hours.
OK, I’ll try something that comes more easily to me.
Today I noticed my Nan doesn’t say the word “Bra” instead she says “foundation garment”.
Me: What are you looking at? Nan: Houseplants I can grow from a seed. Me: Cool. Nan: When they say marijuana do they mean Cannabis? Me: …
Chronicles of Nan 